Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
