saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
