I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
