In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It's Friday. Sex?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
