I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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