We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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