She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
