please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
