nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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