Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
