I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
