I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
