Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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