It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
