If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I will pee on everything he values.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
