It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
