genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
