I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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