Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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