broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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