Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize