Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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