At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
