This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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