Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize