tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
