my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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