its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
