"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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