I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
