Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize