Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I need moral support for this bender
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
