Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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