You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize