Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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