The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
