i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
