Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
