somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
