Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
