Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
