I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
