I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
