i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
