Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
