I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
