Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
