I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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