Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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