before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
