I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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