My Higher Power is John Stamos
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
