Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
