Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
