so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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