I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
