Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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