Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
