U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
