Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
