one might say we're banned from that church
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
