She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
