I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
