Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
