My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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