Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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